The Accidental Voyeur
by ozhawk
Summary: or, 5 Times Mack caught people defiling pubic places with their dirty dirty sexual activities, and 1 time they all caught him... and how he fell in love with Darcy Lewis, just because they're cute together... The 5 1 fic based on my headcanon that Mack always walks in on people doing the dirty and is a bit obsessive about disinfecting things afterwards.


**The Accidental Voyeur**

This is the 5+1 fic I promised after writing the Mack/Darcy Soulmate Short. It isn't a sequel to that fic, though. Or to any fic in particular, despite some of the pairings that will appear here.

At least one of the pairings featured here has the potential to cause spit-takes. So put _down_ the coffee…

**The Garage**

It was, he supposed, Stark's Tower. And his fiancée. But catching the two of them going at it on the hood of Stark's brand new Bugatti Veyron, that was just _sacrilege_.

Mack sighed, considering the defiled paintwork. Bleach was, quite simply, not an option. He nibbled on a fingernail thoughtfully. Glanced up as someone else came into the garage.

"Hey, Mack," Darcy said cheerfully on her way past. She sighed lustfully at the Veyron, but there was no way Stark would ever let her drive it. She noticed Mack's doleful face. "Who stole your bunny?"

"What?" Mack blinked. The lab assistant said some odd, irreverent things sometimes. "No, it's just…" he gestured at the magnificent car. "I need to…"

"Oh, I need to drive that baby as well, but Stark's a Grinch about the keys," Darcy sighed.

"No, not that!" he found himself flushing lightly, glad his dark complexion meant she wouldn't notice. "I caught Stark and Potts… on the car."

"What on the car?" her brow furrowed. "_No!_" as she caught his meaning. "They _didn't_!"

"Mm-hm."

"Well that's just _wrong_. We gotta clean that up. Polish this baby back up bright. Hang on. I've got some alcohol handwash in my bag."

Mack's brow cleared. That was a great idea. Gentle and non-toxic, it would clean any – _germs_ off the car before he polished the paintwork back up with a chamois. "You're a heroine, Darcy," he smiled as she handed him the full bottle.

"And don't you forget it, big guy." She made finger guns and winked at him as she headed towards the measly Toyota that was all she was allowed the keys to. Took a long look at Mack as she drove past him, his big body bent over the hood of the Veyron as he polished industriously.

_Nice view._

Darcy grinned and focussed on getting out of the garage without crashing into any of Stark's obscenely expensive cars.

**The Roof**

Honestly, you'd think the _roof_ would be a safe place. But _noooo_.

Apparently, even at night in the middle of winter the roof was the Hawk's preferred place. And his preferred activity was, apparently, doing the dirty with Jemma on the very lounge chair that Mack had determined was the most comfortable of the lot. The only one that didn't creak under his big frame when he settled into it.

_All I wanted was some quiet time_… Mack sighed and went to put the unopened bottle of beer back in the fridge. He'd wait for Hawkeye and Jemma to finish _whatever_ it was they were doing – he shuddered to think – and go back later. Thoughtfully, he eyed the cupboard under the sink, opened it and smiled when he found it was well-stocked with cleaning products.

Because there was no way he was sitting on his favourite lounge chair again until he'd cleaned up. He pulled out a bottle of bleach and a bucket and put the kettle on to boil.

"Hey Mack!" Darcy danced cheerfully into the penthouse bar. "Making tea?" she eyed the boiling kettle dubiously. "Well, I could go for a cup. Want to come out and stargaze with me?"

She'd been angling to get the big mechanic on his own since she'd seen him stretched out over the Veyron last week. _A little starlight_…

"You really don't want to go out there!" Mack gestured at the outer door.

"Not Thor and Jane again?" Darcy sighed, guessing only too well what was going on from the look on his face.

Mack's brows shot up. "No! Oh God, I bet _they_ used my favourite chair too."

**The Gym**

"Oh puh-leeze."

Even the gym wasn't safe, apparently. Either that or Coulson's hero-worship of Captain America had now reached unsustainable levels. That said, it wasn't Coulson on his knees on the gym mat…

Mack shuddered and left before one of them spotted him. He'd been planning to work out, punch out some of the frustration building up in him. Everyone else in the damn Tower was apparently getting it on – in public places, no less. And it had been a long dry spell for one Alphonse Mackenzie.

Well, no workout, apparently. He headed back up to the common level, shoulders slumped despondently. Discovered Darcy in the kitchen making microwave popcorn.

"Hey, big guy!" she smiled brightly at him, and he felt a little of his tension ease. Darcy was always good for making him smile. And she sympathised with his disgust of finding the team misbehaving all over the damned Tower. She'd told him a few horror stories about Jane and Thor – and May, Natasha and Maria.

"What's the matter?" Darcy caught Mack's revolted expression. "Oh no. Who did you catch now?"

"Coulson and Cap. It's just so wrong to catch your childhood hero blowing your boss."

Darcy screamed and put her hands over her ears. "Get out of town!"

"Sorry."

"Where?"

"The gym."

"Ugh! We all use that place!"

"I know. I'm wondering if I can persuade Stark to just burn the mats and buy new ones."

"If he won't, I'll put it through on the Lab Explosions Discretionary Fund," Darcy decided, offering Mack the bowl of popcorn. "Hey, I know what could help you take your mind off it." _She could think of quite a few things that could take Mack's mind off it, actually. Time to put Operation Seduce The Mechanic into action. _She held up two DVD cases. "I need your help deciding which is the best epic car movie of all time. _Gone In 60 Seconds_ or _The Fast And The Furious_?"

Mack couldn't help but smile back. "As long as you don't make me watch the whole series of _Fast and Furious_, I'm in."

**The TV Room**

Both Darcy and Mack screamed as they pushed open the door to the luxurious home theatre only to be confronted by the sight of Bruce Banner's bare ass.

"Seriously, lock the door!" Darcy yelled as Skye looked around Bruce's shoulder, her eyes widening. "Better yet, use your own bloody apartment!"

"On the theatre seats, Skye, _really_?" Mack reproached, "For God's sake – you are so steam-cleaning those!"

"Tomorrow," came the muffled response as Skye started to giggle into Bruce's shoulder. "Promise, I'll clean them tomorrow."

Darcy slammed the door. Looked up at Mack. And absolutely couldn't help but start to giggle.

"Oh God, nowhere's safe," Mack sighed, collapsing back against the wall.

"I think you're right."

"You know what, we've got a TV down in the lab. Should be quiet down there. Want to bring this popcorn downstairs?"

"Sure." She hesitated, eyed him. "Wouldn't your place be more comfortable?" _With a bed_…

"Yes. Except that I'm right next door to Hunter and Bobbi. Who had a fight today." She was looking at him quizzically again, so Mack elaborated. "Which means they'll be having very loud sex all night."

Darcy had to giggle. "You poor man. I so sympathise. I'd say let's go to my place, but I share an apartment with Jane and Thor's visiting from Asgard right now…"

"Haha, _no_."

"Yeah. So let's try your lab."

**The Lab**

"Huh, Turbo's here," Mack murmured as they stepped out of the elevator, headed for the big glass doors into the lab. "Looks like he's working on Barnes' arm."

The Winter Soldier was still extremely skittish around people; he especially didn't cope with Tony who had neither volume control nor mouth filter, and wasn't comfortable with Tony looking at his arm. Fitz, though, Fitz was quiet and gentle and just as skilled an engineer in his own way. Barnes had started letting Fitz maintain his arm within a week of SHIELD moving in to the Tower.

And apparently more. Because even as Mack reached for his swipe card to let them in, Barnes ran his human hand up around Fitz's neck and pulled the smaller man close for a slow, deep kiss.

"Um, Mack," Darcy grabbed his wrist as he reached out with the swipe card, "I think perhaps we'd better not…"

Mack's mouth fell open as he watched Fitz's hands come up, start unbuttoning Barnes' shirt. Watched Barnes push a not at all unwilling Fitz back against the lab bench.

"Oh, Turbo, no, not you too! Is nothing sacred? That's _my_ workbench!"

Mack was debating whether or not to storm in and be outraged when Darcy tugged hard on his wrist. He looked down at her.

"Don't, Mack! Barnes is still jumpy, and besides," a small smile quirked her mouth, "they're kind of cute."

"Damn it." He sighed, returned his swipe card to his pocket. "Where are we gonna go, Darcy?"

She led him back to the elevator, thinking about it. And then snapped her fingers.

"Why didn't I think of it before!"

**+1. The Breakfast Room.**

"JARVIS," Darcy said, "where can we go that has a TV and DVD player, that we won't be interrupted, or find anyone having sex, or have to listen to anyone having sex?"

JARVIS actually had to consider it for a moment. "The breakfast room, Miss Lewis," he suggested finally. "There is a television there. While there is no DVD player I am able to stream any movie you may wish to watch."

"Then make it so, my good artificial intelligence."

The elevator doors slid shut with a soft whoosh, and Darcy sensed Mack looking at her. "What?"

"That was really smart, maybe I should ask JARVIS to advise me any time I'm about to walk in on folks doin' the nasty. It's gettin' _real_ old."

Darcy grinned. "But then how would you know what surfaces need disinfecting?"

Mack had to chuckle. "You're not wrong there. I think maybe I should just assume any surface I'm about to touch has been defiled and treat it correspondingly."

Darcy's giggle echoed in his ears, making him smile. They emerged into the breakfast room to find the TV already on and the lights down low.

"JARVIS, you're a legend," Darcy said happily.

She was even happier when they decided the chairs at the table were too uncomfortable and JARVIS sent one of his robot minions to bring them beanbags. Mack was too big for a single beanbag so Darcy piled both of them together for him and then laid on him, telling him he was more comfortable than a beanbag anyway. He seemed for a moment utterly startled, and then slowly, hesitantly curved his arm around her.

"Mmm," Darcy snuggled her head against his chest. "Oh. Yes. _Mmm_."

It was a very _sensual_ noise. So much so that a man would have to be a lot denser than Mack to miss the invitation when she turned her head to look up at him and smiled slowly. He tightened his arm around her and leaned in for a kiss.

A tapping sound woke Mack. He came round slowly, a smile on his lips as he remembered the night before. Opened his eyes, the smile widening as he realised Darcy was still asleep in his arms, snuggled into the beanbags underneath both of them, she wearing only his T-shirt.

_He_ was buckass naked.

And it was daylight.

_Oh, shit… that sound was someone tapping their foot._

He lifted his head and looked up at a semi-circle of amused/outraged faces.

"We _eat_ in here, Mackenzie," Stark said. "_Please_ tell me you and Lewis didn't contaminate the table?"

Well, he _could_ have said that, but it would be a lie…

"I'll clean it?"

"Oh, how the tables have turned," Bobbi grinned down at Mack as Stark turned with an outraged huff, declaring that they were all going _out_ for breakfast.

"Gettin' a bit of my own back?" Mack tried. He felt Darcy shift a little in his arms, moved hastily to cover more of her with his body. Bad enough that they were all getting to look at his naked ass, but he didn't want them looking at Darcy. Thinking less of her.

Jane Foster's booted foot prodded his thigh. He turned his head to look at the tiny scientist.

"Don't you break her heart now," Jane warned before following the others out.

"I won't," Mack promised the silence in the empty room.

"Promise?" a small voice said, and he looked down, wide-eyed, to see Darcy wide awake and staring up at him.

"And how long have you been awake?"

"Since Stark bitched you out?" She stretched luxuriantly, not missing the way his eyes tracked her movements and he licked his lips. "Mack?"

"Um?" His brain didn't work when she did that. Not considering the way her breasts moved in his shirt.

"Since we've already thoroughly defiled this room, and they've all left…"

"Mm," his thought process, already vague, derailed completely as she reached down and began to ease the hem of the shirt up.

"…would you care to go for round seven?"

He blinked. "Er – it's round four, isn't it?" He was fairly sure he'd have remembered if he'd managed to do it six times in a night. Especially since he was now in his thirties.

"Oh," Darcy smiled wickedly. "I was counting _my_ orgasms. Not yours."

"Oh," a grin began to curve his lips in response. "Sure. Seven, eight – let's see if I can't help you hit double figures."

"I like the way you think," Darcy smiled as he began to kiss his way down her body again. "And later, let's go have lots more loud sex in easily discoverable places and make all the others feel really uncomfortable. Just to get our own back."

"_Just_ to get our own back?"

"Well, that and the fact that you're really good at _ooh Mack do that again_!"

He smiled and did it again.

**Damn, they're really cute. Now I want to read more Mack/Darcy. If anyone comes across any, please let me know?**

**And as always, I'd love to know what you thought of this!**


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